These Skulls Are For You...

I can't help but wonder who is reading this gibberish...I started out the week mad, a little hurt and sulky. Now, I am just plain old depressed. I hate feeling this way because I am on optimist, my general nature is 'the bright side' but I need some sex in the worst possible way and I am pretty sure my guy does not even like me half of the time, or maybe its just because he's a moody bitch...I thought men would hump anything? I guess everyone is allowed a little boo-hoo for themselves now and then, would have helped if the asshole had gotten me a Christmas present! Don't worry, I bought myself a super-cute, very-Holly, Betsey Johnson handbag...I also can't believe it is new years already, I have spent all of December working and stressing out! I don't know what I am doing tomorrow night, but there WILL be whiskey! Cheers, y'all...

DOO DOO DOO DAA DAA DAA

I know, I have been seriously slack. I have re-joined the retail-slave zombie army...only unlike Hot Topic, which I loved...I am working at TJ Maxx for minimum wage and I am just a drone. No body's boss. That is lame, they need my superior merchandising and colorizing skills!! There are no management positions anywhere and I am having to swallow my pride on a daily basis! ugh. Also, trying to buy Christmas for three kids on minimum wage sucks balls. On the positive side, my babies daddy is making an awesome Mr. Mom, the food is superb, the house has never looked better! Score! Still, my brain is fuzzy...Salma, take me away...

Irish Whiskey or Kentucky Bourbon?

I have so many good ideas for upcoming blogs...I hope this crappy computer will work with me and the stolen pirate wi-fi! So, I recently read on OMG! that Corey Feldman's wife of 5+ years has filed for divorce...do you realize what this means? All of my pre-pubescent fantasies can finally come true! I had posters and every 'Tiger Beat' photo spread of that kid plastered all over my room. I think 'Goonies' really started things off, I have seen 'The Lost Boys' about 20 million times, and I get teary-eyed talking about 'Stand By Me'. All my friends thought he was weird, or funny looking, they all loved Corey Haim (eeewww) or River Phoenix, who was quite dreamy...I don't know, I loved the odd-balls, I still have my ticket stubs from those film classics 'License to Drive' and 'Dream a Little Dream'. With the holidays coming up, and my birthday, anyone who wants to get me all the episodes of 'The Two Corey's' on DVD, or better yet, the REAL Corey Feldman...oh...I think I'm switching to Irish whiskey for the end of the year. Jameson is my fave....mmmkay? xoxo

Rivers Cuomo Saved the Day

I have always been a huge Weezer fan. I remember 1991 when the blue album came out, it instantly became one of my favorite albums of all time. I also fell in love with the front man and song writer, Rivers Cuomo. Today marks the release of yet another amazing album, titled 'Raditude', which everyone should buy! Also, check out the ad for the 'Weezer Snuggie' which is ridiculous, and I love it!
Last night I dreamed of Rivers, we were close friends and I spent my whole dream-night with him. When I woke up he was still fresh on the brain, so I watched all my favorite Weezer videos...then I got a phone call for a job interview (I filled out a bunch of applications in the last week) and lo and behold, I got the job! The Gods were favoring me...thank you Gods of Rock, and Rivers...I love you always!

Snarking Out Rocks!

When I was in school I was a really big nerd. I loved the library better than any other place in world. I still love that 'old book' smell...I took my oldest child to the library in town on Friday, I was looking for a couple o' books that I loved when I was her age: The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death and The Snarkout Boys and the Baconburg Horror, both by the wonderful Daniel Pinkwater. To my horror, I found that they are out of print, and hard to find! I love all sorts of sci-fi, but these young adult novels are soooo funny! To this day, I still maintain that all Realtors are aliens...So if you can find 'em ( I had to order used ones on Amazon) Go for it! I am going to read them aloud to my kids...using funny voices.

Please Send More Snacks

I have been trapped in my house for days. My oldest child got the flu...which has now spread to the youngest. I am surprised that my middle child has held out, only a matter of time now with most of their school sick, too! I am bored and scuzzy, and the computer is all jacked up...I don't feel sexy or funny. This makes for the most difficult blog to write. The only good thing is that I have had plenty of time to paint lots of skulls for dio de los muertos! Last night I was working on a few and I asked my man his opinion, for the first time ever he said 'needs more color, brighter!' If you have ever seen my kitchen, which is bright pink, you can imagine my surprise! I added more neon and glitter...I would love to upload some pictures of my awesome skulls, but like everything we own, the card reader we have is a piece o'crap and won't work! I'll get it done soon...
I have been doing so much 'mom' stuff that my family is getting concerned...the laundry, non-stop baking...scary.
No one has touched me in over a week, I am living in yoga pants, pony tail and no make-up...I need a serious break but none is in sight. We can't afford to spend a dime on anything that is not a 'need' There is no money for 'wants' in this economy...poopy.
If I were allowed to selfishly blow money: (in no order)
-a real haircut in a salon, not me in my bathroom armed with crappy scissors
-manicure, possibly with nail art because I am suburban ghetto
-new pair of slip-on Vans AND a new pair of crazy platforms...you can never have too many of either!
-a trip out of town to Nordstrom to stock up my depleted M.A.C. stash and a new Harajuku Lovers snowbunny fragrance
-IKEA, I have a looong list...and some meatballs.
-while I am playing with imaginary money, I'd like to try a fancy absinthe and a really, really expensive whiskey
-at this point, I'd just like those fancy tissues with the lotion in them and a venti skim latte

Super-Cute With Glitter and Sprinkles...

I think a lot of my past break ups and failed friendships can be boiled down to one major cause: no one gets me. Many folks bailed early on when faced with too much pink or black, or the fact that I never throw anything away if I feel that I can use it later. I like to think that I was being 'green' long before it was the cool thing to do, the fact is that I have gotten into arguments over what is trash, and was forced to dig through my own garbage to find things that got tossed! No one who is not a visual artist can understand this point, you never know what can inspire you. For me, I am drawn to strong graphic images and colors, usually really cute and meant for children! I have countless candy wrappers from all over the globe, I also love cereal boxes and lots and lots of toys...I have heard my children say to their friends "no, that toys not mine, it belongs to my mom" So true. Anyone who knows the real living, breathing me, not this cyber me, knows that I am just a grown up little kid. I don't act like a fool, but I do have more crap hanging from my cell phone than an Asian high school girl! I will never, ever, ever, ever dress my age (ever-never) Nothing gives me more pleasure than Hello Kitty. Glitter is not optional. I have found over the years that guys don't like this about me, one guy said I was going to wind up a crazy old cat lady surrounded by like, 30 years of magazines...I said "but they are really cute magazines!" he did not get it, one of those 'minimalists'. Scary. Don't even get me started on my party themes or baking extravaganzas! Besides, I thought boys were supposed to like girls who could cook, I just prefer to make desserts! All sweet, all the time...Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I need to get ready. I am going to go with my kids to a local farm/orchard and have some Fall fun here in the mountains...I need to construct the perfect "gothic lolita goes to the farm" ensemble...tootles!

NUMERO UNO GIRL CRUSH

Guys love it when there is some girl on girl action. I have had more than my fair share of girl sex, not for the attention of some dumb boy, but because I was crazy about the girl I was with. I tend to like girls that are more like me, this probably says a lot about my vain self absorption! I like girly-girls, nice and squishy...I can see why men want us, the first time I was in bed with another woman, I remember feeling all that soft flesh, you can't help but bury your face in those breasts and taste them...then proceed to the lower yummy bits...
So, my number one vaginal crush is Salma Hayek. She is gorgeous and every thing I long to be, we are both short and booby...I am sure everyone that looks at her wants to bite those titties, I know I do!
I guess if I had to label myself, I am bi. I don't really like to limits, I live in the moment, I love who I love...gender, color, size, shape...they don't really matter because I never know what is going to attract me to someone. Sex with another woman is nice because you don't have to direct them, they know what works! Also, you don't have to worry about skipping foreplay...its all foreplay! Girls know how to kiss and suck everything properly without being so concerned with penis-plowing into you when you're not ready! I don't want you guys to feel inadequate, because at the end of the day, nothing can beat a nice, hard cock...that is of course unless you want me to beat it...

I'm Sure I'm the Nicest of the Damned

Today's topic is the penis. Every dude I have ever known is preoccupied in their own junk issues. When you first start humping someone new, they love to talk about it, the size, shape, direction, girth...hell even the pube-length- to-junk ratio! I believe this is done because all these guys want is some feedback. They seem to want a comforting, loving comment about their gift from god and how it worked for me personally...Guys, the phallic organ is like a nice rack o' boobs, no matter the shape, size or color, as long as you know what you're doing then its fucking great! I have had terrible, terrible sex with the biggest penis I have ever seen, because the guy was a drunken fool and an asshole. It got better, but the point is the effort you put in! (hee hee)I am also a fan of the sexy toys. If you can reach an orgasm with one of those ( I want the Hello Kitty one) then you can get off with your man, or woman...You should know your body before having unreasonable expectations from any sexual partner, and you should always ask for want you want. I know its a bummer, but most folks are not mind readers in bed, you gots to speak your mind, or shout it from the roof tops..."I NEED MORE FOREPLAY!!" "PLEASE PUT YOUR FINGER IN MY BUTT!!" "BITE HARDER!!" you get the idea...and people, complement your lover! you don't have to be graphic if that's not your thing but just telling a guy that they made you get off is a big deal, everyone loves a little positive feedback. and remember guys we love your penis, just learn how to use it! now somebody pour me a shot...

I Just Can't Stop The Lingering Gaze

I watch too many movies. It comes from not having cable. I have seen Watchmen like, 5 or 6 times since it came out on DVD for several reasons, my favorite being Dr. Manhattan, as portrayed by the amazing Billy Crudup. There are very few actors that are anywhere close to the caliber of that man. Its not his good looks or gigantic blue schlong, although it might be the dimple in his chin, I love that...I watched 'Almost Famous' last night, I am a sucker for those Cameron Crowe movies. I like that film in particular because the cast is amazing, but no one shines like Crudup. I jump with him when he proclaims 'I am a golden god' and leaps into the pool. Yes, yes you are. He is on a short list of folks I would love to have the opportunity to meet and just have a drink with, wonder if he likes whiskey?

Earth to Meekus...You are So Hot Right Now...

In my great effort to avoid getting shit done in a timely manner, I found out an amazing thing. Are you ready? Alexander Skarsgard, whom I love and obsess over as Eric Northman on True Blood, was also in one of the greatest movies ever made, Zoolander. He played the male model Meekus, who was tragically killed in a freak, gasoline fight accident...this changes everything you know...I have always loved the dark and mysterious variety of man. I was always a sucker for those puppy-dog brown eyes. But what gives me the right to discriminate? from now on, I am setting my fangs on more impressive merits...That man...holy crapoly. He's 6'4, from Stockholm, 33 years old...yum. Do you think that he will be impressed that I did a huge report on Sweden in high school...I got an A...? I shop at Ikea a lot...I quote Zoolander several times a week...I like snow and pale people...Swedish meatballs with ligonberry jelly is awesome...this is going to take a little more work on my part to truly obsess properly, I need to find more of his Swedish movies and shit like that. In the meantime, I will be wishing I was the one to suck those silver bullets out of his chest...

When You Came In the Air Went Out

Dear lord, please save me from staying up all night watching pirate uploads of True Blood...I finished reading all 9 of Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse series on Friday. Now, all I can do is watch this show! I know how I missed it, I have not had cable in a million years...and even the Internet I'm using now it totally ghetto...but damn ya'll, this shit is addictive! For the first time ever in the history of me, I think I love this show more than I like the book. The shows creator seems to really grasp living in the south, and the characters are very real. For the first time, I see people and not a forced, phony caricature of the way 'southern folk' act. One of my favorite parts in the books is when Sookie notices while visiting a town outside Chicago, that every one finds women with a southern accent charming and attractive, while they regard the men's twang as plain stupidity...already assuming that the women were unintelligent but sexy...
I guess it just makes me miss Georgia even more than before, the people and places...the general debauchery that comes off as completely normal behavior. Those nights I spent sleeping on a park bench next to a pile of my own vomit, in a tiny leopard print dress...or tripping my ass off and climbing a brick wall to the colonial cemetery and passing out on one of the above ground slabs, befriending crazy Russians and loving it, learning to be a great bartender, shaking my ass in nightclubs 5 nights a week...I want to have my cake and eat it too, I like burning the candle at both ends...the only thing I did not do during those 'pre-baby' years is have tons of random sex...I was completely brainwashed in love with one crazy motherfucker that eventually got the privilege of becoming my first ex-husband! Well, at least I am trying to make up for that now...Good times ya'll, good times.

Assault Me With Your Weapon

I keep trying to write here, but my kids are crawling all over the place, fighting, totally throwing off my groove...
I was thinking about the events that brought me to this town. Complaining about where I live is one of my favorite past times. I have a decent townhouse in a small town in Virginia. It is the kind of place where everyone shops at Wal-Mart because the Target is still a little too high-fallutin'. I moved here 9 years ago because of an even smaller town...I lived in Savannah, Ga, which is a great place, but I was recently divorced. I knew I could never be succsesfull in any relationship with my ex right there, in my face every where I went. So, here I sit. This town wants to be a suburb of Washington D.C., but it is still too rural. I never thought that I would miss Georgia! I don't know where I will move next, with kids in school, everything becomes more complicated. I would love to move back further south, I think...the allure of no snow is kind of nice. What is worth it? I have to drive at least an hour to shop anywhere decent, but there is a gorgeous mountain view in both directions. There is a low crime rate and decent schools, of course this is the same school system that lets high school kids off to hunt during deer season. W.T.F.?? The internet allows me to order anything I seriously desire. Lately, I have been thinking about exploring the world of absinthe. There is a whole bunch of varieties available to buy now. I am broke, so I don't want to blow 80-100 bucks on some bullshit that tastes like ass. Also, I am easily lured in by a pretty package...I can't help it!

Don't Get Your Man-ties in a Wad

I was just thinking that folks must think I am a total lush...I was before the kids, to be sure. but now, I rarely let it get out of control. Most of my drinking is after bedtime, or on the weekends. I have always preferred spirits to beer, but I am willing to have a good brew every now and then. The problem with beer is that the good stuff makes you fat, farty and a pee factory. None of those things are attractive to me, so whiskey it is and shall be forevermore...
I want to talk about the drunk humper today. I know some people who never have sex unless they have been drinking, or smokin' the reefer. I am not preachy, and I don't care how much you use these crutches, but this is no way to truly become any good for your partner. If you can't have amazing, earthshaking sex stone-cold sober at like, 2 in the afternoon (unless you are dating a vampire) then there is a serious problem. I have dated guys who are so intoxicating to me that all they have to do is walk in the room and I am moist and mushy...sometimes all I have to hear is their voice. If you are truly compatible with someone, they should always be able to push your buttons, both metaphorically and literally! This goes for long-term relationships too, I have been with the same man for a long time (11 years) and everyday is not a hedonistic orgy...but when it is...mmm, yummy. Also, he makes me all hot and bothered when I least expect it. I sincerely hope he still feels the same about me...wait, I am ME after all, of course he wants me...Now lastly, men...don't get stupid-drunk and try to fuck like you are king of the world...it sucks so badly and us women-folk are just humoring your ego by pretending to have and orgasm, if you even give a shit you selfish, rutting pig!

For the Blood is the Life...

I know that I am a huge dork when it comes to this subject...I almost hate to say it, you know, Vampires. (there so hot right now, vampires-please use your best 'Mugatu' voice) But as dorky as I may be, I can at least say its been a life-long passion. I remember watching Bela and Christopher Lee as a child, staying up late for the creature feature, thinking 'that's what I want to be when I grow up'. I always identified with the male leads, not the hopeless, whiny girls. In 3rd or 4th grade I became obsessed with 'The Lost Boys'. I saw it in the theater and when it came out on VHS, my best friend and I rented it from Errol's video every fucking weekend! I even had my own 'Vampire Kit' that I made in secret, I tried to make a jewel encrusted bottle like David's and kept it in my cubbord under the stairs (yes, I had one just like Harry but my parents were normal and I did not sleep there...lots of spiders though...)
The next phase came with Anne Rice, I learned about her and Lestat through my parents, of all people. When we would go on car trips, my mom would rent books on tape from the library to pass the time. She rented 'The Vampire Lestat' because, being a sulky teen on a long car trip in the back of a huge, ugly Dodge, I was always less than pleased! When we started listening to that book, I was sooooo in love, with Lestat, with Anne Rice's wonderful story telling. My mom bought me all the books, probably regretting it later because that was the last hope she ever had of me being 'normal'. Even in high school, I wrote several papers on Vampires and shit like that. I got a long, black velvet cape for Christmas one year, I had a lot of brocade jackets, I dyed my hair black for the first time in 9th grade and have never looked back.
All of these things have become such a part of me that I don't think my family even notices anymore. I feel bad for those people who call themselves vampires, try to drink blood, wear fangs and all that crap. Makes the rest of us look bad. I may be a big nerd about all this crap, but at least I don't lisp!
My favorite vampire book of all time is 'Lost Souls' by Poppy Z. Brite. She captures everything I know about being a spooky kid, growing up in the South, she makes her characters so real to me, and in a way I already knew them!
And last, the one all you boys are dreading, the Twilight series. Maybe it's because I am a girl, but I love them! Even the 'PG-ness' of the books, who can deny the power of true love? I am not that sentimental of a girl, but damn, I need me some 'Edward' in my life! The monster quality of these books is not why I love them, its that Bella, a sensible, regular girl can still find herself lost to emotional responses instead of rational ones. Now THAT is something I sure as hell understand! Right now, I am in the midst of reading the 'Sookie Stackhouse' series by Charlaine Harris. It is the series that the HBO show 'True Blood' is based on. So far, the books are fun, sexy and definitely adult in nature which I love. I also watched the pilot of the TV show online (no cable) and I loved it! Anna Paquin is a perfect Sookie and Stephen Moyer gives me chills and the sexy vampire Bill, I just love the way he says 'Sookie' and stares her down...i would have been in his bed/coffin in a heart beat!

I Know You are, But What am I??? Infinity!!

My Friday should have started at the gym, but due to a great lack of effort on my part, I am on my couch watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure. I could not be more proud to add that my 3 year old picked out this film one of my favorites for many reasons, here are a few: Tim Burton's first full length feature film. I saw this movie when it came out in the theater and have spent everyday since trying to make my house and yard as Pee Wee-ish as humanly possible. The "tequila" scene at the biker bar...that started a trend that makes people dance on bar tops whenever this song is played...as a former drink- slinger, I can swear this happens every time! Yes, that is cheesy and ridiculous, but I myself am cheesy and ridiculous...
So here it is, the weekend again, last Friday night I drank 11/2 bottles of Captain Morgan Parrot Bay, and a good portion of a fancy decanter of Mr.Beam...then stayed up 'til about 5am...spent all of Saturday feeling like hammered shit...then baked and decorated a fabulous birthday cake for my mama! To be perfectly honest, this was a pretty normal weekend for us. No way of knowing what is in store for this weekend but I will be babysitting for my adorable nephew Sat. night, so no drinking allowed!
Right now I am stressing over my oldest child's upcoming 11th birthday, "Twilight-New Moon" themed soiree...I am praying to the gods to help me get it together in time!
I realize this blog is kind o' clean and sexy-free for me, I would like to apologize and I will try to think dirty soon!

BEST TV MINI SERIES

I knew it was coming, but it was still terrible to hear about Patrick Swayze. He was a part of my life forever, of course in The Outsiders, which I was obsessed with! I saw Dirty Dancing as a child and my mom drug me back to see it several more times...But my favorite role was in the made for TV series 'North and South' As Orrie Maine, he was the perfect southern gentleman. I was so compulsive about this story that I read the entire book saga after watching the TV movies, which was certainly not age appropriate for a girl in elementary school but being the youngest of 7 has its advantages, no one was paying any attention to what the hell I was reading! The Maine family had all kinds of issues, crazy people...I loved them, and they made MY southern family seem totally normal...I am going to re-watch the series this week and remember Mr. Swayze in the 1980's, so young and beautiful and the perfect man in my mind.

GET THE AIRBRUSH READY

so, I heard that that fucked-up haircut chick with all the kids and the d-bag husband, Kate Gosslin, turned down Playboy...I think they offered her $400,000. Which made me think, what would I do for that much money? I would be happy most days with a jug-handle of Beam and a full tank of gas! but, if Playboy was seriously interested in my ass, I say get ready to touch up those pics and I'm ready to pose...
then, what would you do? I like attention so I don't mind the naked part, but what would most folks do?

GYM-TASTIC

ugh...my gym has no hot boys. they are probably there on the weekends, or at night when I am at home being mom. I go in the mornings when I drop my kids off at school, there are more hot chicks than anything! I am restless and get bored easily, it would be so much nicer if there was some eye-candy...the men there are all over fifty. some of them look like they are going to drop dead at any moment. some are in better shape than me...just too old!
after the gym I went to Target, got my venti iced non-fat latte with two sweet and lows, and got soooo excited 'cause they are putting out Halloween stuff! woo hoo! I am old-school spooky and had to reign my crazy-head in before I went totally broke, I got a giant bag o' candy corn (Brach's only!) and a Skeleanimals coffin-shaped candy tin, its a start!
now, I am putting off the boring crap I have to do (grocery store) and whishing there was extra money for a bottle o' Beam...you know, for after the kids bedtime! Maybe I can get my man liquered up enough to fuck with wild abandon...wait, tonight is back to school night...well, there's always tomorrow!

I'll promise not to bore the shit out of you if you promise me that you will let me know when I am being an insufferable bastard...now that we have got that cleared up, let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? All these so-called experts say that to be a great writer you should write everyday, and write what you know...I know that people are mostly selfish, self absorbed assholes. I sure as hell am, no matter how hard I try to do what's right, or expected of me, I still manage to constantly fuck up and make either one, or a whole bunch of people pissed. The only people I truly care for are my kids, so I hope they will still like me when they get old, and can put some perspective on this whole growing up thing. I am vain. I can't help it, I told you I was self-absorbed...I am trying to wrap my mind around a day when I am unable to turn a man's head...I don't think I can fathom it...I am the first one to say that I am not every gentleman's cup o' tea, but you will think about fucking when I walk by...
Like Dirk Diggler, everyone has a special talent. Mine is like that, minus the giant cock...I was always compulsive about sex, even as a child I read about it constantly, researched if you will...I planned my virginity loss at fifteen. It was like a science project to me. Today, at 34 I am far, far from done. The list of things I'd like to try are longer (hee hee) than ever...if you have even a remote interest in fucking for fun, then check back with me to see how my 'experiments' went...and about other random crap that pops into my head on a daily basis.