When I was in school I was a really big nerd. I loved the library better than any other place in world. I still love that 'old book' smell...I took my oldest child to the library in town on Friday, I was looking for a couple o' books that I loved when I was her age: The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death and The Snarkout Boys and the Baconburg Horror, both by the wonderful Daniel Pinkwater. To my horror, I found that they are out of print, and hard to find! I love all sorts of sci-fi, but these young adult novels are soooo funny! To this day, I still maintain that all Realtors are aliens...So if you can find 'em ( I had to order used ones on Amazon) Go for it! I am going to read them aloud to my kids...using funny voices.
I have been trapped in my house for days. My oldest child got the flu...which has now spread to the youngest. I am surprised that my middle child has held out, only a matter of time now with most of their school sick, too! I am bored and scuzzy, and the computer is all jacked up...I don't feel sexy or funny. This makes for the most difficult blog to write. The only good thing is that I have had plenty of time to paint lots of skulls for dio de los muertos! Last night I was working on a few and I asked my man his opinion, for the first time ever he said 'needs more color, brighter!' If you have ever seen my kitchen, which is bright pink, you can imagine my surprise! I added more neon and glitter...I would love to upload some pictures of my awesome skulls, but like everything we own, the card reader we have is a piece o'crap and won't work! I'll get it done soon...
I have been doing so much 'mom' stuff that my family is getting concerned...the laundry, non-stop baking...scary.
No one has touched me in over a week, I am living in yoga pants, pony tail and no make-up...I need a serious break but none is in sight. We can't afford to spend a dime on anything that is not a 'need' There is no money for 'wants' in this economy...poopy.
If I were allowed to selfishly blow money: (in no order)
-a real haircut in a salon, not me in my bathroom armed with crappy scissors
-manicure, possibly with nail art because I am suburban ghetto
-new pair of slip-on Vans AND a new pair of crazy platforms...you can never have too many of either!
-a trip out of town to Nordstrom to stock up my depleted M.A.C. stash and a new Harajuku Lovers snowbunny fragrance
-IKEA, I have a looong list...and some meatballs.
-while I am playing with imaginary money, I'd like to try a fancy absinthe and a really, really expensive whiskey
-at this point, I'd just like those fancy tissues with the lotion in them and a venti skim latte
I think a lot of my past break ups and failed friendships can be boiled down to one major cause: no one gets me. Many folks bailed early on when faced with too much pink or black, or the fact that I never throw anything away if I feel that I can use it later. I like to think that I was being 'green' long before it was the cool thing to do, the fact is that I have gotten into arguments over what is trash, and was forced to dig through my own garbage to find things that got tossed! No one who is not a visual artist can understand this point, you never know what can inspire you. For me, I am drawn to strong graphic images and colors, usually really cute and meant for children! I have countless candy wrappers from all over the globe, I also love cereal boxes and lots and lots of toys...I have heard my children say to their friends "no, that toys not mine, it belongs to my mom" So true. Anyone who knows the real living, breathing me, not this cyber me, knows that I am just a grown up little kid. I don't act like a fool, but I do have more crap hanging from my cell phone than an Asian high school girl! I will never, ever, ever, ever dress my age (ever-never) Nothing gives me more pleasure than Hello Kitty. Glitter is not optional. I have found over the years that guys don't like this about me, one guy said I was going to wind up a crazy old cat lady surrounded by like, 30 years of magazines...I said "but they are really cute magazines!" he did not get it, one of those 'minimalists'. Scary. Don't even get me started on my party themes or baking extravaganzas! Besides, I thought boys were supposed to like girls who could cook, I just prefer to make desserts! All sweet, all the time...Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I need to get ready. I am going to go with my kids to a local farm/orchard and have some Fall fun here in the mountains...I need to construct the perfect "gothic lolita goes to the farm" ensemble...tootles!
Guys love it when there is some girl on girl action. I have had more than my fair share of girl sex, not for the attention of some dumb boy, but because I was crazy about the girl I was with. I tend to like girls that are more like me, this probably says a lot about my vain self absorption! I like girly-girls, nice and squishy...I can see why men want us, the first time I was in bed with another woman, I remember feeling all that soft flesh, you can't help but bury your face in those breasts and taste them...then proceed to the lower yummy bits...
So, my number one vaginal crush is Salma Hayek. She is gorgeous and every thing I long to be, we are both short and booby...I am sure everyone that looks at her wants to bite those titties, I know I do!
I guess if I had to label myself, I am bi. I don't really like to limits, I live in the moment, I love who I love...gender, color, size, shape...they don't really matter because I never know what is going to attract me to someone. Sex with another woman is nice because you don't have to direct them, they know what works! Also, you don't have to worry about skipping foreplay...its all foreplay! Girls know how to kiss and suck everything properly without being so concerned with penis-plowing into you when you're not ready! I don't want you guys to feel inadequate, because at the end of the day, nothing can beat a nice, hard cock...that is of course unless you want me to beat it...
Today's topic is the penis. Every dude I have ever known is preoccupied in their own junk issues. When you first start humping someone new, they love to talk about it, the size, shape, direction, girth...hell even the pube-length- to-junk ratio! I believe this is done because all these guys want is some feedback. They seem to want a comforting, loving comment about their gift from god and how it worked for me personally...Guys, the phallic organ is like a nice rack o' boobs, no matter the shape, size or color, as long as you know what you're doing then its fucking great! I have had terrible, terrible sex with the biggest penis I have ever seen, because the guy was a drunken fool and an asshole. It got better, but the point is the effort you put in! (hee hee)I am also a fan of the sexy toys. If you can reach an orgasm with one of those ( I want the Hello Kitty one) then you can get off with your man, or woman...You should know your body before having unreasonable expectations from any sexual partner, and you should always ask for want you want. I know its a bummer, but most folks are not mind readers in bed, you gots to speak your mind, or shout it from the roof tops..."I NEED MORE FOREPLAY!!" "PLEASE PUT YOUR FINGER IN MY BUTT!!" "BITE HARDER!!" you get the idea...and people, complement your lover! you don't have to be graphic if that's not your thing but just telling a guy that they made you get off is a big deal, everyone loves a little positive feedback. and remember guys we love your penis, just learn how to use it! now somebody pour me a shot...
I watch too many movies. It comes from not having cable. I have seen Watchmen like, 5 or 6 times since it came out on DVD for several reasons, my favorite being Dr. Manhattan, as portrayed by the amazing Billy Crudup. There are very few actors that are anywhere close to the caliber of that man. Its not his good looks or gigantic blue schlong, although it might be the dimple in his chin, I love that...I watched 'Almost Famous' last night, I am a sucker for those Cameron Crowe movies. I like that film in particular because the cast is amazing, but no one shines like Crudup. I jump with him when he proclaims 'I am a golden god' and leaps into the pool. Yes, yes you are. He is on a short list of folks I would love to have the opportunity to meet and just have a drink with, wonder if he likes whiskey?
